Take a seat right there by the fire and let me tell you something about birds

(I just watched Big Fish again. It made me want to write this one a bit differently.)

“The thing you have to know about ostriches, if you so choose to mingle with them, is they aren’t very well socialized. In fact, they are hands down some of the most impolite creatures you might ever have the pleasure to meet. An ostrich will as soon chow down on your pinky fingers, and your ring fingers, too, as it will take the grass out of your hand. They don’t care at all if it offends you.

Now, if they had thought things through a bit more, they might realize that they should take care, lest they cut off their own supplies. Poor penned in creatures they are, there’s little they can do to gain access to the grasses on just the other side of the fence. Silly old humans are more than happy to help them out, but it’s most discouraging when you offer charity, and get rewarded with a bloody fingernail. But you can hardly blame ‘em, can you? If I were 300 pounds big and it was all concentrated round my stomach, I might get a little peckish myself.

One more reason why it’s a very rare ostrich that gets elected prom queen or king: They never take showers. Or baths. And it’s not too often that they hang a nice pine tree air freshener around their necks. What I’m trying to say, in so many words, is that they have a smell to match their eating technique. It’s not friendly.

But if you can overlook the pecking, and try to hold your nose, you’ll find their company rewarding. What you’ll find, when you look past that exterior, is a creature most curious about its distant cousins, the humans. They’ll size you up, they’ll let you in close with nary a bite done in anger, and, if you’re lucky, they might even show you some of their dance moves. If you look right here, you’ll see a rather silly looking performance (not the performance, I was privy to, I’m afraid, but it’s on the way, just you wait), but please try not to laugh at the poor gent.
That’s all he’s got to impress the ladies. And in fact, I have it on good authority that they go nuts for it. If you were an ostrich hen, that little video would give you the vapors.

With that in mind, it might even be seen as a bit risque to be parading himself around in front of citizens of another species, but who am I to criticize? A man has got to strut his stuff sometimes. And truth be told, I think my companions and I were rather flattered to receive such attention. One thing this poor videographer wasn’t lucky enough to capture was a rather distinctive sort of call that preceded that bumpin’ and the shakin’ that our party was witness to. Before he got up to get down, our friend the ostrich let us all know that he had something special for us by announching, loud as he could “WOO. WOO. WOOOOOO!!”

Well, now that got our attention. From that moment on we’d all learned a new phrase, and those are always useful to pick up when traveling in a foreign country, regardless of the language. We must’ve whooped and hollered in the fashion of that footloose ostrich no less than thirty-five times over the next hours. And everywhere we went, that call worked just as well for us as it did for Mister Ostrich. People’s heads turned and they looked up from what they were doing and they were all wondering, “What on Earth is going on here?” And what would they see when they found the source, but a goodly sized group of foreigners, about 9 strong all letting out syncronized “WOO. WOO. WOOOOOOO!!”’s until their throats were dry.

But anyway, as I seem to have lost my train of thought here just a bit, let’s get back to the ostriches. I still haven’t told you the best part! You see, ostriches aren’t just for feeding, or for eating, or for dancing. Ostriches are also for RIDING. At least according to humans. Now, if you ask any ostrich, they’ll tell you it’s not true, and they aren’t for any such thing. But then you have to ask yourself just who’s providing the grass around here, and then there you go.

Riding an ostrich isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but if you ever get a chance to have a go at it, you should take it. The secret is in the leaning. You gotta lean back! Way back! If you don’t, you’ll slide on down that bird and end up nestled next to her neck and then no one is happy. Unless there are any onlookers. Truth be told, if I had seen that happen to one of my merry companions I would’ve been laughin’ and guffawin’ and not doing myself any favors. It was funny enough when poor Brent got his leg caught in the wing and couldn’t quite dismount. It was quite the show. But then he is a city slicker coming as he does from fancy Toronto, or thereabouts.

When all was said and done, though, it was a little bit sad for that ostrich. One lone bird had the full duty of scortin’ us all round its little track, and the girl was plainly tired as we were getting near the end. Think of it now. We were about half her size, so just imagine you had to piggy back ten fifty-pound dogs around your back yard, and they’re all making a bunch of noise, and when they’re done they line right back up for a second ride. You’d probably do what our friend the bird ended up doing, and just call it a day and take a seat right there on the ground. She’d had enough, thanks. Now, we could’ve been rude houseguests and started making demands and call her back to duty, but if you ask me, a certain respect for civil niceties is one of the defining differences dividing man and ostrich, and so we simply took that for our cue to get headin’.

So, that’s my yarn, and I hope you like the way it was spun. Have a good evening or morning, whichever it may be. If you aren’t quite sure, just look out the window."

-Randy